When it Comes to Relationships – What are the Real Problems of Why a Relationship Fails?
The inception of social media has become the live television or streaming version to get an inside peek at anyone’s lives. This doesn’t exempt celebrities who, at times, don’t have an issue exposing their own dramas, as per the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial.
Getting an inside look at the travesty of this relationship from the topics of abuse to how much makeup Amber wore to cover bruises allegedly made by Johnny Depp – people will still ask, “why did you stay in it?”.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, all relationships come with their challenges. Below are examples I will share. These relationships are not meant to define what is sane vs insane or what is perfect or imperfect. Just the circumstances of why no one should believe any relationship is drama free.
Ali Abulaban better known as ‘Jinnkid’, had taken social media by storm with his Nicolas Cage impressions and his most famous impression, the Tony Montana character from Scarface. He had created a variety of skits, one of the more popular videos, Tony Montana working at Starbucks.
His wife, Ana, also had a very strong following on social media, partaking in skits they created, the one which also garnered many views, a series dances depicting their relationship being drama free. If you didn’t know this couple and just happened to come across his videos, you’d probably think to yourself, wow drama free couple and in love, I want to have the same thing. In the case of Ana and Ali, their relationship was far from drama free.
According to police reports, on October 21st, Ali entered the apartment he and Ana shared, using a copy of a key he made without her knowledge, after it was agreed he would leave the high-rise apartment they shared together among their “unprecedent” breakup. What no one knew behind the scenes, their relationship was strained and all those videos they posted seemed to be a bombardment of lies, or perhaps it was the truth, at least for that moment.
It is alleged, after Ali entered the apartment while Ana was not home, he placed a listening device on their daughter’s iPad, assuming he would catch her in the act of whatever he was thinking in his head. After installing the device, it’s believed he was listening and overheard Ana talking with a mutual friend and after hearing this, he went to the apartment, ambushed and killed them.
Of course, social media blew up upon finding out the tragedy and the end of a life of a beautiful woman and what once was the famous Jinnkid, impressionist, doting father and loving husband, was now the infamous murderer of his beautiful wife, who’s life was cut short due to the incredible jealousy and possession he exerted in their relationship.
However, on the flip side, there were people claiming, “she shouldn’t have cheated”.
I’m dead serious. Is this what we’ve come to?
On what land makes it okay when one partner cheats, that gives permission for that person to take another person’s life and/or intentionally harm them?
In the same breath, people will ask why did she stay, or even worse, stereotype people from certain faiths, religious backgrounds or even race, assuming we should "expect" this type of behavior.
No one knows a situation of abuse and why they endure it for long periods of time. Self esteem plays a big part, but that’s not to say a person who has worked on themselves for years, doesn’t fall prey to shitshow antics.
“Exhibit A” – my experience with a person I now refer to as shitshow left me traumatized in some areas of my life where I had worked for years to build. While I never shared details openly about what transpired in that year in a half, there are very close friends who know details of what happened.
Why it took me a long time to have him removed completely, partly were the guns he decided to bring into this country, on account of having an extension of himself, something he tremendously lacked in the physical sense.
In addition to having these weapons, there was something where he got a thrill over making baseless threats about people in his past he felt wronged him, garnering himself a victim over his entire existence. He especially took great delight in telling a story, (countless times), about a homeless person looking as if he were going to approach his car while he was waiting for the light to change. He said he made a gesture like he was reaching for a gun, when he had none, and how the homeless person took a step back and kept walking.
This story disturbed me to no end in addition of how many times he told it.
My mom didn’t like him at all and I understand why. It was the comments that followed from her which made the situation worse day after day and then she behaved as she were his victim. He even threatened her once, when she made a joking remark of him using a spice to prepare my dinner, after I told him not to use in the first place. Believe me when I tell you, my mom wouldn’t want to be his victim. If there was a way I can warn people about him, pictures and all, I would. He is literally the worst person on the planet.
Long story short, I was able to get an opening to get him to leave without making him suspicious. And with that opening, I strategize on getting him to agree to leave with him thinking it was a great idea. Once he was gone, I was free.
So I thought.
There’s something about the brain that has you replaying shit and if it’s not the waking state, then it’s the nightmares accompanying that trauma. Again, I’m not going to get into the whole thing, because I will be writing a book, and moving past that, looking at someone like Amber Heard, which no one believes and I personally understand why.
If anyone watched the case on Monday, her antics and recordings of her laughing at Johnny Depp making fun of him is the true Amber Heard. If anything, that performance deserved an award because it was true to life. Narcissists can never hide who they truly are.
And then we have someone like this idiot dude here.
Narcissist in the same way like shitshow. In this video he claims the reason why men don’t want to get married, is because of how women change once they have the man under “lock and key”, making threats that if the man doesn’t do what they want, they will take them for everything they have.
And then what makes it even funnier, he acts and thinks he is the spokesperson for all men which is ashamed because most men do not feel the way he does.
In addition to sharing deep rooted misinformation, there are the little trolls who follow along in this bullshit in believing, “yeah, y’all women just like to take shit”.
They just don’t realize, this behavior and attitude will keep them alone, never finding real happiness in a relationship, because any man who follows this man and his “revered” thoughts about women and their toxicity will just expect for any relationship to turn out to be a disaster.
Tell me what person, in their right mind, want to stay in a shitshow, loveless relationship if they think they are so worthy for anyone to tolerate their petty bullshit?
In addition, he makes claims, as women we stop having sex or put conditions on sex. I’m not sure who this man wound up with, where the woman stopped having sex with him, but I’m going to venture a guess, he may lack skills to keep a woman long enough to satisfy her. I even had it in my right mind to invite him to an interview but I think I’ve had my fair share of shitshow in my life. One was enough. Trust me.
On a side note, as we’ve seen in Amber Heard, narcissistic abuse isn’t only from a male perspective. Women do it too.
Going back to my point about relationships. Yes, they can be hard, they can be challenging, but they can also be loving and filled with endless passionate and wild sex. Trust me, I ‘currently’ know and savoring every bit of it.
Finally, I want to make an important note. Your “love/relationship therapist” isn’t on Tiktok, Instagram, Twitter or any other social apps. Sure, are their professionals on social apps, of course, but that doesn’t mean they are your own personal therapist or doctor.
As for people who do all types of coaching, like myself, I’m not here to provide a “professional opinion” on anyone’s lives or their choices. Even in the ways of tarot reading, they are more of a guide than anything else. There’s a vast difference of being a guide and offering a medical diagnosis without having the proper credentials to do that. And, technically, that is illegal, especially if you do not have some type of license or degree.
We can take the time and listen to someone like this dude talking about, “you know why men don’t want to get married” and blame the other person for our own problems or realize this guy is just another narcissist waiting to capture that next victim, so he can feel good about himself just to prove he’s not the problem. Not my professional opinion, but my opinion from my own personal experience.
The difference is we have a choice to turn our ears off, knowing this person and people like him/her/they/them are those who don’t have the knowledge or experience of honestly sharing and healing from “bad relationships”. Instead, “let me blow up my socials” and share bitterness, while spreading more of the misinformation about what healthy relationships should be or feel like.
Remember this guy? The one who also claims to be a relationship coach but yet posted on social media, the reason why women are still single is because of feminism and thinking we are queens. Even men stitched the post, putting him to shame about his obnoxiousness and how stupid he sounded. He was like a kitten, where the momma cat put their paw on his head like, shut the fuck up and know your place.
This is not a man who needs to be in a relationship, except with a sex doll.
We will or have experienced heartache. This isn’t anything new. We will either heal by allowing ourselves that time or we can continue to point the finger at the other person for breaking our hearts. In order to correct a problem, we need to take a look at ourselves first.
I have asked myself how did I invite such a pathetic loser in to my life.
A few days ago, I had a conversation with a very close friend of mine and while he doesn’t know the exact details (at least for now I will tell him when the time is right), the one thing he reminded me is that I’m a good person and sometimes that good may invite the wrong people. The idea is to forgive myself and find my way to move past it. No one wants drama and no one wants to be involved in any type of relationship that will cause any trauma or insecurities, especially when that person “specializes” in narcissistic abuse, but sometimes it does happen.
Having lived this type of trauma, I realized I need to find a real specialist to help me move past this horrible experience. For me, the lack of getting real help means I will continue to question any relationship and any intentions they may have, even with the intentions being good. That isn’t fair to a person who’s being loving, sincere and giving. The insecurities and the questioning of intentions will kill a relationship faster than building it up.
Trust and being vulnerable are big factors for the growth of any relationship. For most, in begins in the home. For me, while I trust my parents, I don’t value my mom’s opinions on what she thinks is best for my life, especially when it comes to relationships. I have lost count on how many times I would share with her about a guy I like and her response is, “I don’t think he wants a commitment...with you", as if there's something wrong with me.
And even though my relationship with my mom isn’t one that reflects a Hallmark card, I don’t go around social media assuming that all mom’s are like mine and “here’s the reason why moms don’t like their daughters and why you shouldn’t value your mother’s opinions or advice”.
Not all of us are cut from the same cloth. We are all having a human experience and while can learn from each other, we can’t guarantee our lives will get better by having a one-sided relationships with licensed professionals by watching videos on an app.
I will close with this.
I have a friend completing her Masters in psychology. We have extensive conversations about behavioral health and I have learned so much from her. She takes her education extremely serious because to be a therapist means you are helping someone make life changing decisions.
We have also talked numerous times about people on Tiktok who either use Tiktok as an outlet to be a therapist for a large group of people without real life education. Some if not most, won't indicate they may not be a licensed professional or even mention the mere fact that anyone who feels they are having medical issues should contact a licensed professional. That being said, even with a licensed professional, she mentioned, “it’s still important to research who they are and how they know (as in education) what they are saying”.
It’s all well and good when people sound powerful and motivational but how are they living behind closed doors? That’s the question we all should research for the betterment of our own lives.
No matter what, don’t give up.
Until then. Take Care of You.
